Steve Ray Archives XV: Doctor Who S.A. - The Musical

"The Show Must Go On: Doctor Who S.A. - The Musical"

Book by Steve J. Ray, lyrics by Nicholas Peat

Doctor Who S.A. created by J.R. Southall, based on and inspired by Doctor Who, created by Sidney Newman and Verity Lambert.

Banner image artwork by Angel Feliciano.

Scrolling through Facebook can sometimes uncover forgotten treasures from the past. Many years ago, shortly after Doctor Who returned to T.V. screens after a nine year hiatus, some friends and I created a fan group, where we'd talk about the latest episodes, and about Doctor Who in general.

One of the group members, J.R. Southall (who has since gone on to become a successful writer, editor and journalist) came up with the concept of, what if an American network had purchased the rights to the show, and made it their way? Of course we were sure the BBC would have insisted on having a British lead, but everything else would be pure Americana, including the tone of the series, and the Doctor's companions.

J.R. wrote a whole season of stories where the Doctor, played by Anthony Head, travelled the universe, time and space with his companion Billie, as portrayed by Britney Spears.

Yes, you read that right.

The stories were brilliantly bonkers and, just as Christopher Eccleston's first season did, they ended with a regeneration. Cleverly though, J.R. turned Mr. Head into Bill Nighy, but in a surprising twist an older Nighy appeared and was also mortally wounded, turning into Simon Pegg... so now we had two brand new Doctors to play with.

Whilst J.R. concentrated on the Nighy Doctor he threw out the idea of having a musical episode - that old staple of American television - and asked if I'd consider writing it.

Of course, I jumped at the chance!

Another member of the team reworked famous tunes from history, with brand new and nutty Doctor Who inspired lyrics, and so was born "The Show Must Go On: Doctor Who S.A. - The Musical Episode."

So... transport your minds back to 2007; Friends had ended a few years before, and David Tennant had just completed his first season as the Doctor... here on our world, at least. In a parallel universe, however... this happened.

Episode 1.Y

Doctor Who S.A. Summer Special - The Show Must Go On


The Second (Bill Nighy) Doctor watches on the TARDIS monitor as his latest (Simon Pegg) incarnation walks into his own TARDIS, accompanied by Billie.

He seems a little sad, but turns away with a deep sigh and a knowing half-smile. He moves around the TARDIS console and presses a button, causing a full-length mirror to shimmer into existence by the coat-stand. He walks over to take the first good look at his new appearance.

Music begins and the Doctor starts to sing:

AN OLD, NEW MAN (to the tune of ME OLD BAMBOO)

DOCTOR: I really hate new bodies, they turn my life upside-down;
One life I might wear cricket whites, or dress up like a clown.
My last few selves were young and fit - this new one's gone astray!
To my horror, I'm an old new man, oh what more can I say?

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, HEY!

An old, new man, an old, new man, I really hate being an old, new man;
False dentures? I'm really not a fan
But I have no choice now I'm an old, new man!

My bones feel weak, my head aches so - whatever has gone wrong?
My ears ring like I've had a shouting match with Donkey Kong.
The regenerations usually go far smoother than this
Now that I've become and old, new man they must be taking the... MICK!

1, 2, 3, HO!

An old, new man, and old, new man - there's not much worse than an old, new man
I'd rather be sent off to Kazakhstan
Than be sentenced to life as an old, new man!

Once I was young skinny, pinstripe suit – my... the chicks did swoon;
Another time I wore leather and met the Moxx of Balhoon.
My dress sense is now tweed and quaint - this will not do at all!
How long will I be an old, new man? It really does appal!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, HEY!

An old, new man, an old, new man - what a pain in the arse, I'm an old new man!
I could've been as fit as Jackie Chan
But instead I've been reborn as an old new man!!

As the final bars of the song fade away we spin up and away from The Doctor, out through the TARDIS doors and into the vortex.











Special Appearance by
BILL NIGHY as The Next Doctor

In the other TARDIS the new Doctor fiddles away at the controls whilst having a conversation with Billie, who more than a little smitten with this younger incarnation of her time-travelling companion.

“So, Doctor Smith... Where to now?” She asks.

“Anywhere, anywhere at all. Any preference, or do you trust me?” He replies.

“I'm just SO glad to be back with you and away from that creepy Master / Davros meanie!”

“And I'm glad you're here with me too, although...”

“What is it Doctor?”

“This change, it seems to have bothered you; you seem a little... I dunno... Distracted?”

Billie reddens slightly, but sharply changes the subject.

“Affected... me?!? You're two whole new different guys! How are YOU feeling?”

“SPACED... Cosmic even - but...” Again he pauses “Billie, I need to ask you something – and be honest.”

“Anything Doctor.”

“Am I... Ginger?”

“Well...yes, actually.”


At that moment the Doctor keels over, seemingly in pain.

“Doctor, what's wrong? Has something gone wrong with your rejuvenation?”

“No... At least I don't think so. Really dizzy and lost my balance for a bit. Maybe I'm adjusting to this new body... It's probably best if we maybe take you home for a little while and have a break. In the meantime I think I need a cup of tea and a bit of a lie-down.”

“OK Doctor”

“Billie... am I REALLY ginger?”

“Well... what hair you DO have IS reddish, yes.”


The Doctor leaves the console room and heads off into the TARDIS, Billie watching him with concern and noticeable affection.

“After everything that's happened I think we BOTH need a rest.” She follows on behind the Doctor and heads to her own cabin, once there she kicks off her Pastry sneakers and lies down on her bed.

As she begins to fall asleep we once again hear music:


BILLIE: "Through space he called to me, across time he came...
The dude that sings to me, and speaks my name...
And dare I sleep again? How could I know?
The Doooooooooooooooooooctor is an alien British dude, he scares me so..."

DOCTOR: "Sing once again for me, do not desist
When the Daleks chase us you must get p*ssed
Although you run from me, like I've got plague
The Dooooooooooooooctor is an alien British dude, make no mistake!"

BILLIE: "Those who have seen your face recoil in shock,
They all say 'For a Martian you're quite handsome, Doc!'"
DOCTOR: "My accent and my phone box may seem quite odd,
The Doooooooooooooooctor's an alien British dude: the lucky sod!"

SOLDIERS: "He's here, the Doctor of the Opera!
Beware, the Doctor of the Opera!"

DOCTOR: "Although I drink my tea with sugar too,
A groovy mystery..."
BILLIE: "Like, that's so you!"
BOTH: "And in America, where we first met,
The Doooooooooooooctor's an alien British dude, he's getting cooler yet!"

Earth – A very expensively laid out office. A middle aged businessman with white hair is sitting down at his desk. An intercom buzzes and he picks up his phone.

“Tobias Lumic.”

“Mr. Lumic, your video conference is ready.” Replies the receptionist.

“Excellent. Make sure I am not disturbed until further notice.”

“Yes, sir.”

Tobias sits back down and presses a button on his desk. A screen emerges and a cold, robotic voice emanates out from it.

“Have you delivered all subjects as discussed?”

“Yes, the last truck has over fifty on it. That makes the final shipment, when can I expect my full payment?”

“When the plan is in place and all resistance has been nullified.”

“Very well, but time is running out and people are starting to get suspicious. Just this morning a bothersome reporter was around here asking questions.”

“What is the name of this reporter?”

“She said her name was Sara Jean Smith.”

Elsewhere – Inside a large warehouse. Sara Jean Smith is snooping around, as journalists do - accompanied by Harry Sullivan.

“This place stinks, Sara. Why exactly are we here again?” 

“Shhh... Keep it down you mook! The trucks that have been gathering up the homeless have all been coming here. Society may not care that a few vagrants are vanishing from department store doorways, but something about all this doesn't smell right!”

“Like I said, this place STINKS” Harry retorted.

“Harry Sullivan you are an IMBECILE.”

“Yeah, yeah. But this radio station belongs to Multi-National Electrostatics... One of the biggest media and music corporations on the planet. What on earth could they want with a bunch of tramps?”

“That's exactly what I was asking MNE's head honcho this morning.”

“Lumic? Do you really think that was a smart move?”

Suddenly a hard metallic stomp reverberates through the warehouse, causing the two companions to start in surprise.

“What was that?” Said Harry.

“There's someone in here with us, look – over there.” Replies Sara, pointing to a door with a frosted glass pane. There are figures moving inside, the pair approach cautiously.

“You're right, it looks like people, except...”

“What is it Harry?”

“They look like they have coffee jugs on their heads”

“You are SUCH a dufus!”

Suddenly the door crashes open. The metallic stomping sound grows louder as several large figures step through the damaged door frame towards them.

Sara screams and begins to run, but a large metallic hand grabs Harry before he can follow.

“Run, Sara... Get help!”

“Harry No!”

“Get out of here!”

Sara Runs.

A solid heartbeat like drum-beat begins to sound:

SARA JEAN (IS NOT IN KANSAS) (sung to the tune of BILLIE JEAN – a montage of Sara running away whilst reminiscing about Harry and how they met in flashback, with Harry sharing the memories as his assailants drag him into the bowels of the warehouse) 

I saw her in the Tipsy Queen, a pub where I've been, she was standing there interviewing someone:
she's top hole, thought I might see her around...
Never thought I'd be the one, to kiss that lovely Yank on the lips...
I heard her say she was Sara Jean, and I thought "Old bean - what a saucy bit of brisket I'd like for my wife!" - then I left, didn't give her, that much thought...

People always told me, "You work on sailors - old fruit, that's no way to meet girls!" (CHORUS: HE-HE-HEEE!)
And mother always told me, "Be careful around Yanks - now have a cup tea, some crumpets and you'll see," hey HEY!

Sara Jean was not in Kansas, she's just a girl who worked freelance in London... for a tabloid called the "Sun"!
Yes, she was freelance in London... for a tabloid called the "Sun"!

For the next days and next few nights, she was on the scene: a Navy doctor and a journalist from the colonies: we met up, had a dance, cup of tea...
I remembered mum's advice: "Take it slowly, be proper and nice!" (CHORUS: He was nice, oh so nice, WOOOO!)
Then there was a tragedy, she looked at me: with sad eyes, she said "I must go" (CHORUS: Oh no!) "to Kansas, where I live: it's my home."

Now then my heart was breaking, I fell apart, you see - my sadness overwhelmed by soul... (CHORUS: Overwhelmed his soul!) I got all me dosh up and bought an air ticket: British Airways second class, I followed my treasure's path, AH-AH!

Sara Jean flew back to Kansas, she's just a girl who took me to her home - the loveliest Yank I've ever known!
Sara Jean flew back to Kansas, she's just a girl who took me to her home - the loveliest Yank I've ever known!
She took me to her home - the loveliest Yank I've ever known!


She says "I love you, Harry - more than my pet canary!"
You know she did - she says she wrote for the "Sun"!
You know she did - she says I am the one!
Now Sara Jean is not in Kansas...
Now Sara Jean is not in Kansas...


“Well, here we are, Billie. Earth... home.”

“Are you OK?”

“Nope... something is DEFINITELY not right here”

“Not feeling any better then?”

“This dizziness is becoming a real nuisance and I just can't explain it.”

“Maybe a bit of fresh air will help.”

“I guess it can't hurt. Come on then.”

The Doctor grabs his jacket and the pair head for the TARDIS doors.

Outside it's now daylight. The estate is home to a group of teenagers playing loud hip-hop music, some of them dancing, spinning around and whooping in delight to the beat and the sunshine.

“Oh, look at that!” The Doctor said “Youth culture in full swing.”

“Phat Boi!”

“Steady on... That's a bit personal isn't it?”

“Not you silly... that's Ricky 'Phat Boi' Jones and his Kru. They're friends of mine.”

The group of teenagers spot Billie and the Doctor and a few of them run over to the newcomers.

“Billie! Damn girl, where've you been hiding?”

“Hi Ricky! Just away on vacation. How about you guys?”

“We're all cool, we got signed... By MNE!”

“That's just amazing! I'm so happy for you guys.”

Ricky looks at the Doctor with a look halfway between bemusement and suspicion, “Who's THIS guy?”

“It's Doctor Smi...”

“Smithington-Smythe” Interrupted The Doctor “An old friend of the family from out of town.”

“Great. Well, good to meet you Doc. Billie, you need to put down some vocals on our tracks, babe.”

“I'd love to. Can I go with them Doctor?”

“Let's all go!”

The group of dancers grab up their gear and the whole gang, along with Billie and the Doctor, head off into town.


Sara Jean Smith has reached her apartment. She's on the phone, still visibly shaken from her recent ordeal. She tells her editor about what happened to her and Harry.

“Our man was right - MNE is DEFINITELY behind the whole thing. Lumic and his company are rounding up the homeless and I'm sure that the growing rates of violent crime in the teenage community is part of it too, I just can't explain how yet. Boss, those metal things have still got Harry!”

On the other end of the line Mark Trent – editor of a fine Metropolitan newspaper – shakes his head in disbelief.

“It's OK, Sara. This has escalated beyond the missing vagrants and the gang violence. There IS a link and we know that Harry WILL have help. Now get back here, fast”

In a lavish and well equipped recording studio the Doctor, Billie and Phat Boi's Kru are listening to some of the music they've recorded. The Doctor is intrigued and grinning from ear to ear. He spots a newspaper and picks it up, the headline across the front page reads “Gang violence on the rise”, another tag-line, further down the page, says “Missing Persons list grows as homeless vanish from city streets”

Ricky is talking to Billie.

“When MNE signed us it was awesome... They're huge! They're playing our tracks on Cold FM and our first two singles have been the biggest downloads of the year! If you put some vocals on the last few tracks it'll be a killer!”

“You bet... I've SO missed this”

The Doctor walks up to the two friends, he looks deeply thoughtful “I'm feeling so much better now... and some of this equipment is brilliant! The music industry's certainly come a long way since my days with Bob, Janis and Donovan”

“Say what?” Ricky looks REALLY confused.

“Erm... Never mind. Billie, don't you have a fine 'Street Name' like your friends?”

“Of course... It's Pha...”

“PHUNTIME!” Ricky cuts Billie off in mid-sentence.

“What?” The Doctor replies.

“The Hip-Hop show on Cold FM... They're playing our new track at the top of the show!”

Billie is really excited

“Tune in Phatboi!”

“You know it!”

Ricky hits a switch and a DJ with a rich deep voice – like a cross between James Earl-Jones and Morgan – is on the air.

“Welcome to PHUNTIME! I'm DJ Telos and we start a crackalacking first hour with new and cutting edge music, kicking off with the third single from Phatboi Kru. Hold onto your heads because this beat is HARD!”

A deep resonating Hip-Hop beat begins, interlaced with synths and sounds which can only be described as 'Other-wordly'. The Doctor's face drains white and he again loses balance, looking visibly nauseous. The teenagers, however, are reacting in a totally different manner...

Ricky, Billie and the others walk slowly and mechanically out of the studio. As they leave they pick up metal bars, baseball bats and other implements which can only be described as blunt instruments.

The Doctor follows, green in the gills and visibly suffering. “Stop... What's happening? What are you going to do?”

As the doors open onto the street and the soundproofed area is open to the outside world The Doctor can hear sounds of pandemonium. Crashes, screams and violence. But, once outside – even though the sounds of Cold FM can still be heard from apartment windows and cars on the street – the effect is slightly diminished and the Doctor's head clears enough for him to see what's going on.

The teenagers are rioting and fighting, the casualties are being collected by trucks with the MNE logo on them and the stores looted for electronic equipment.

“Sound... Enhanced sound! It's affecting my balance and co-ordination, causing preprogrammed acts of violence in the kids and who knows what else! This HAS to be stopped!


In the Oval Office, President Dick Bush and other world leaders have gathered together to discuss the crisis at hand.

COLD FM (to the tune of "Gold" by Spandau Ballet)

CHAIRMAN: Thank you for coming, all;
Sorry that the notice was so short, but we have something to report:
As you know, 4 months ago Cold FM started broadcasting - the charts burned -
It got higher ratings than Howard Stern! But now I'm telling you, yes I'm telling you!
Weird stuff started happening and overall, its listeners have started to BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAWL!

COLD! (COLD!) Since it started playing street soul,
It's listeners have got violent on the whole,
They think they're indestructible! Plus their emotions keep decreasin'!
Thanks to COLD! (COLD!) But I've got news from our mole -
An insider who shares our goal -
They're making plans within!

Our spy snapped some photos up,
Of machinery that might control minds, suppress emotions - you know the kind.
But then he took pictures of an all new type of thing, perhaps the reason why we constantly sing.
Now I'll show them to you, show them to you!
With skin of steel and plastic, they're so tall - they'll probably be our DOWNFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAALL!

<shows them secret pics of Cybermen working in said radiostation>

COLD! (COLD!) Could they be aliens? Well, I'm sold - 
How soon before humankind falls?
They must be invincible, it's about time I was leaving...
Because of COLD! (COLD!) I'd better catch a plane, before the Martians steal my brain - how despicable! I've a plane I should be catching...


CYBERDON: We've hatched an evil plan that may appal, now the planet Earth will certainly FAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAALL!

COLD! (COLD!) Last time plugging the plan proved to foil 
Our plans - but this time we're unstoppable! You've no chance of winning!
Thanks to COLD! (COLD!) The radio-station which makes you our slaves, to upgrade you all is our aim - you will become like us!

The Doctor pulls ERANU and UVAVU out of his jacket, puts one of the devices in his mouth, leaving it's twin in one hand while digging and rummaging around in the other. He's obviously looking for something. His brow furrows and he mumbles through gritted teeth and the sonic device in his mouth,

“Cng ON! I ngo it's ing ere sungair... A-ha!”

He pulls out a pair of headphones, the old-fashioned kind that weighs down on the head and encases the ears. He points ERANU and UVAVU at the device adjusting the headphones, all the while chatting to himself,

“Trans-temporal soundwaves... the TARDIS filtered them slightly, but as she scans for these things it still came through, affecting me. The sound-proofed studio with all the advanced – in fact far TOO advanced – sound equipment, 'Cold FM' vans picking up the homeless and zombified teenagers...”

He puts on the headphones,

“The enemy has their protective headgear, now I have MINE!”

The Doctor seems instantly more at ease and less dizzy from the moment his ears are covered, so he heads into the fray. The trucks have picked up most of the unconscious, but the teenagers that had previously been causing the violence are now standing stock-still, motionless, like statues. Blank-eyed and hypnotised.

He approaches Billie, Ricky and their friends and using ERANU and UVAVU breaks them out of their stupor. The kids shake their heads and slowly, but surely start to come round.

“Doctor? What happened? Where are we? How'd we get out here? What HAVE you got on your head?”

“Protection my dear. ERANU and UVAVU can temporarily counteract these trans-temporal soundwaves, but protective headgear is essential for long-term immunity. I need all of you to go back to the studio, grab yourselves headphones and I'll adapt them all for the battle ahead.”

“Battle? Oh no... not again! Now what?”

At that moment the music stops and the loading door of largest of the trucks begins to open. While the group the Doctor had treated seem to now be free of the influence of the soundwaves, all the others are still completely hypnotised. As the loading ramp hits the ground, a metallic stomping sound grows louder from within. Finally a squadron of Cybermen emerge, Billie and Ricky gasp, but the Doctor just nods knowingly as if he had already guessed who was behind their current predicament.

The head Cyberman of the troupe addresses the Doctor and his companions,

“You have not been subdued. You are rogue elements. You must be taken for further processing.”

“I think not! ERANU, UVAVU!”

The Doctor attacks The Cyberman with one device to each side of the head. The creature screams an electronic scream and falls to the ground”

Ricky kneels down to examine the fallen Cyberman. The skull and chestplate have cracked showing what resembles pale, white and slightly translucent flesh.

“Damn Doc!” Rick exclaims “What ARE these things? This stuff is warm... it feels alive!”

“I'm afraid they were probably missing and homeless people. Human beings like yourselves, kidnapped, filleted, drained of anything that truly made them alive and converted into cold, ruthless conquering monsters”.

“You mean they take people and chop 'em up into that... hot... fuzz?!?”

The other Cybermen, though cautious after the fall of one of their number, have slowly been approaching and surrounding the group of rebels.

“Ricky, take the Kru and get as many headsets as you can. Use these devices for three seconds on each ear-piece – they've already been calibrated – then meet us at Cold FM. Go... NOW!”

“But Doc!”

“Run Phat-Boi... RUN!”

At the warehouse / Cold FM broadcasting centre the Cybermen bundle the Doctor and Billie into a large holding area. In the middle, flanked by two guarding Cybermen is Harry Sullivan.


(To the tune of THE CANDY MAN CAN)

CYBERDON: Who can take your brain out, stick it in a shell?
Then dissolve your body 'til it really starts to smell?
The Cybermaaaaaaaan! The Cyberman caaaaaaaaan!
The Cyberman can because he is a brain in a metal caaaaan!

DOCTOR: Who takes a planet, kills its people dead?
BILLIE: Then put their minds into a scary metal head
HARRY: The Cyberman?
BILLIE: The Cybermaaaaaan - the Cyberman caaaaaan!
ALL THREE: The Cyberman can 'cause he's evil and vampiric and a death metal faaaaaan!

CYBERDON: The Cyberdon converts, and mentally perverts, all his victims with conditioning,
He's responsible for suicide missioning
and Fox's new season positioning!

CYBERDON: Who can take emotions, repress them 'til they're gone?
Leave you cold and soulless and lovable by none?
The Cybermaaaaan!
DOCTOR: The Cyberdon maaaaan!
CYBERDON: The Cyberman caaaaan!
The Cyberman can 'cause he makes like a robot and an also-ran,
'Cause the Cyberman can thinks that's goooooooooood...

The Doctor approaches Harry. The captured man looks up, still visibly terrified but glad that he is not alone any more.

“Hello, I'm The Doctor! And you are?”

“Harry Sullivan... AT least until I get turned into one of those metal chaps!”

“Don't worry Harry, I WON'T let that happen.”

“And how will you stop us, Doctor?”

The newcomer's voice has come from a dark corner of the room. It's owner - slowly walking into the light is Tobias Lumic.

“Us?” Replies The Doctor “You don't look like a Cyberman to me? Why are you helping them?”

“You don't think so? Take a closer look!”

Lumic rips open his shirt and reveals a horrific mish-mash of flesh, circuitry, blood, bone and steel.

“I was once a homeless person... attacked, beaten and left for dead by a gang of vicious teenage thugs! Why? Because of emotion, selfishness, and all the horrible human notions of superiority and one-upmanship. The Cybermen saved me, gave me the power and money to help more of the homeless become free! They are all one race, united! No social divide, no racial divide, no sex, no religion just one pure equal race of perpetual, everlasting perfection!”

“Perfection? Cybermen? They are cold, lifeless stealers of freedom, creativity... and everything else that makes you truly alive, man!”

“But think! Once they were like us, but, thanks to them, wars, hostility, hate and crime will cease. We will be freed from all the negative things that separate us! Shorn of all greed, jealousy, rage and all emotions that cause us so much pain and grief! Think Doctor... Is there nothing you yourself would not want to be shorn of?”

“I'd like to be shorn of the dead, the monsters, the tyrants, despots and would-be world conquerors! Shorn of these metallic soulless half-lives that steal freedom, creativity love and warmth. What life IS that, when all are the same and there is no individuality?”

“ A life of PEACE Doctor”

“No... it would be nothing more than a living death.”

“It seems that this argument could go on forever, Doctor. The long game with no winner, so I will leave you to your misguided ideals and take my place with my metallic brethren.”

Lumic turns to leave, but as he does so the door opens and a large man enters dragging a raven haired reporter of our acquaintance in with him. As the man speaks, the Doctor recognises his voice as that of DJ Telos – the radio announcer of Cold FM.

“Mr. Lumic... I caught this one outside. I think she's the one who was with that Sullivan character this morning.”

“Ah... Yes! Ms. Smith, we MUST stop meeting like this.”

“Nothing would make me happier, you crazy haired psycho!”

Both the Doctor and Billie look stunned.

“Sara-Jean Smith?”, says the Doctor

“Aunty Sara?” Exclaims Billie.

“Billie?” Replies Sara.

“AUNTY?” Says the Doctor.

“Sara!” Says Harry.

“Harry!” Says Sara.

“Doctor!” Says Billie.

“Billie?!?” Says the Doctor.

“SILENCE!” Interrupts Lumic. “Cybermen, guard these people and when The Cyberdon gives the order bring them to be processed. I am going to see him now to prepare for my own full conversion”.

DJ Telos takes Sara into the room, leaving her with her niece, Harry and the Doctor.

“Aunty?!?” Says the Doctor.

“Yes, Doctor Smith... this is my aunt, Sara Jean Smith. She's a famous reporter!”

“Hold up!” Said Sara “Doctor Smith? I knew a Doctor Smith back in the 80s... or was it the 90s? When I started out in journalism. He was scientific advisor for an alien busting band of mainly British military types. Thing is, he wasn't really HUMAN... He was an alien monster-fighter who travelled through time and space in a blue box”.

“Doctor?!?” Exclaims Billie.

“AUNTY?!?” Says the Doctor.

“Uh-oh”. Interjects Harry. “You travelled through time and space with him, you told me the stories. You said that he had to go back to his home planet, and rather than leave you in Kansas he dropped you off in Arkansas... but this guy's too young to be YOUR Doctor”

“AUNTY?!?” Says the Doctor.

“Doctor!” Says Billie.

“Doctor?” Asks Sara.

“Here we go again” Says Harry.


HARRY: Is she really travelling through time with him?
SARA: Well there she is, let's ask her: Billie, is that the TARDIS key you're holding?
BILLIE: Uh-huh...
SARA: Gee, it must be cool flying with him, will he save us from the Cybermen?
BILLIE: Nuh-uh...
HARRY: By the way, where'd ya meet him?

BILLIE: I met him in my Physics class, I stalked into a blue phone box, you get the picture?
HARRY & SARA: No, not really.
BILLIE: That was when I fell for, the LIMEY IN THE BOX!!


BILLIE: Now Davros was always putting him down...
HARRY & SARA: Down, down...
BILLIE: The Daleks used to chase us both around...
HARRY & SARA: What do you mean when you say some aliens chased you both around?
BILLIE: The Master took me away, he let me go - I couldn't stay - 
That's why I pined for, THE LIMEY IN A BOX!!


BILLIE: I fought Sontarans, Zygons and Cybermen too,
That's right - the A-Space guys are hardly brand new...
HARRY & SARA: What do you mean when you say these creatures are hardly brand new?
BILLIE: Ian and Barbara could take no more,
They slung their hook in 2164,
I was left alone with, the LIMEY IN THE BOX!!


BILLIE: The Eternals came, and then the war games
He met this much older guy...
As the Daleks went away a stray laser ray
The Doctor became the other guy?
Did he know and not tell me? I need to know why?

HARRY & SARA: Why, why, why, why, why, why, WHY?

BILLIE: (in a flashback) Look out, look out, look out, LOOK OUT!!

I feel so helpless, what can I do?
Remembering all the scrapes we've been through.
Once the the whole world is doomed,
Can I trust this new guy, he grins like a loon.

Why won't you come back to me, LIMEY IN A BOX??


ALL: Ooooh-weee-ooh-oooooooh...

Back at the centre of Cold FM we see the area which has been set apart for human to Cyberman conversion. Queues of people are being herded into seperate enclosures and the air is filled with the final screams of the convertees.

Tobias Lumic has a conversion table of his own and seems completely at peace with what is about to happen to him. The Cyberdon is at the controls for this operation and a group of his soldiers are standing at the head, foot and at each corner of the bed.

MUST CONVERT 'EM ALL (sung the tune of the Pokémon theme)

CYBERDON: Once I was human guy, I lived out in A-Space
Until a madman passed me by, and made me a new race!
I travelled past the speed of sound, a single Cyberman...
Then I came here! I finally found a world to hatch my plan!

CYBERMEN: Cyberdon, must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: Soon you will see, upgrading's your destiny!
CYBRERMEN: Cyberdon!
CYBERDON: Ooh, you cannot win - let the new age of steel begin!
CYBERMEN: Cyberdon, must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: You know it's true, there's nothing that you can do!
Become like us or die, no fuss - CYBERDOOOOOON!
CYBERMEN: Must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: Must convert 'em aaaaaaaall... Yeeeeaaaaah...

CYBERDON: I hid my fortress beneath the Bronx, and now it's set to go;
My generals, strong as an ox, have killed your world leaders sloooow!
Your governments surrendered quick - the bloodshed need not be,
So come on and don't be thick - volunteers get bumped off free!

CYBERMEN: Cyberdon, must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: Soon you will see, upgrading's your destiny!
CYBERMEN: Cyberdon!
CYBERDON: Ooh, you cannot win - let the new age of steel begin!
CYBERMEN: Cyberdon, must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: You know it's true, there's nothing that you can do!
Become like us or die, no fuss - CYBERDOOOOOON!
CYBERMEN: Must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: Must convert 'em aaaaaaaall... Must convert 'em all...
Must covet 'em all... Must convert 'em all: ye-eah!

<instrumental break in which the Cybermen engage in a cancan while dressed like strange, Japanese Nintendo characters>

CYBERMEN: Cyberdon, must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: Soon you will see, upgrading's your destiny!
CYBERMEN: Cyberdon!
CYBERDON: Ooh, you cannot win - let the new age of steel begin!
CYBERMEN: Cyberdon, must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: You know it's true, there's nothing that you can do!
Become like us or die, no fuss - CYBERDOOOOOON!
CYBERMEN: Must convert 'em all!
CYBERDON: Must convert 'em all!


Back in the room where the Doctor, Billie, Sara and Harry are being held our heroes are hatching a plot.

Sara-Jean is happy to be back in the company of the Doctor, although confused at his rejuvenation. Billie is happy at the family reunion but stunned at the revelation that she's not the first time-travelling companion that the Doctor has had over the years. Though he's clearly very happy to see Sara again, the Doctor's a little red faced and embarrassed at Billie's reaction... Harry finds the whole situation hilarious.

“So Doctor... You used to travel with Sara back in the day, dropped her in the middle of nowhere, changed your face – at least twice – and now travel through time and space with her niece. Am I missing anything?”

The Doctor goes another two shades of red.

“Erm... Yeah. That's about the long and short of it.”

“Oh, Doctor...” Says Billie, obviously hurt.

“Oh B...” Says Sara “It wasn't like that with the Doctor and me, I promise... but having him here WILL make taking out these Cybermen a lot easier. C'mon Doctor, just like old times.”

“Well the first trick will be getting out of this room without ERANU or UVAVU, but WITH two Cybermen watching us. What we need is a distraction.”

The Cyberdon's voice over the tannoy system startles everyone.

“All Cybermen report to conversion chambers... All Cybermen report to conversion chambers. Take all remaining prisoners for final upgrade... Take all remaining prisoners for final upgrade.”

“Now that's not quite what I had in mind, but gift horses and all that...”

The Cyberguards start marching their captives out the door, but the second they leave the room a loud screeching sound causes the captors to tremble and shake, while making the captives cover their ears in pain and disorientation. The Doctor pulls his headphones back out of his enormous pockets, quickly putting them firmly in place on his head over his ears.

Facing him is the massive figure of DJ Telos pointing a large speaker-like device in their direction. Sara runs up to him and gives him a hug.

“Good work Terry!”

The Doctor's jaw drops.

“That's the resonating frequency I set to counteract The Cybermen's trans-temporal soundwaves, how'd you manage to set up that kind of technology... and who are you anyway?”

“Terry Wisher – or DJ Telos – I'm happy with either.”

“He's our spy in Lumic's camp, Doctor” Says Sara.

“But he works for Cold FM, he's behind the riots with his modified violent music!” Says Billie.

“No way!” Telos is visibly upset “Music is for peace and love, NOT violence and conquest. I was biding my time, getting to grips with Cyber technology to find a way to fight them, looks like it worked too. Except...”

“Except what, Terry?” Asks the Doctor.

“Well, that one burst fried my system, and there're HUNDREDS of Cybermen, with more being made as we speak.”

“Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that, we're in Cold FM now, with highly advanced transmitting equipment and a few friends on the way with my own sonic devices”, says the Doctor.

“Phat-Boi's Kru!” Says Billie.

“Oh, yes! Now... we'd better go and let them in.”

“Running for the exits, it REALLY IS just like old times. It may be a different face, but you really are the same Doctor”, says Sara Jean, smiling.

Billie is still clearly not happy about this discovery - evident by her biting of her lower lip – but it is HER hand that the Doctor grabs as the group of Cyber fighters starts to run in search of their friends.

DJ Telos is running level with the Doctor and Billie.

“Doctor... I've got a secure way into the complex, we need to get word to your friends. If they come in any other way they're sure to be captured by the Cybermen.”

“Billie, can you reach the Kru?”

“You got it!”

The troupe reaches the DJ booth, Billie is dialling Ricky on her mobile phone.

“OK Doctor, my next broadcast is imminent and the Cybermen will come down on us like a cartoon anvil if the broadcast doesn't go ahead as scheduled. THIS time I can try to send out a reverse pulse if you can help me?”

“Reversing the polarity is my speciality!” Replies The Doctor, relishing the moment and the rhyme.

Billie has got Ricky on the line.

“Doctor, can I steal DJ Telos while you get to work, so we can get the rest of the guys in?”

“Go ahead, dear Lady... I've got this one covered.”

Billie and the DJ head out through a side door while the Doctor gets to work on the broadcast system. All is going well when the door to the broadcast booth bursts open and an extra mean looking Cyberman bursts in. This model seems to be all chrome... Like the wheels on a boy-racer's custom made sports car on steroids. His voice, though “Cyberised” is clearly that of Tobias Lumic.

“So, Doctor, do you STILL think that you can defeat us? I am now the ULTIMATE Cyberman.”

Billie and DJ Telos remove a grille from an access / power duct, Ricky and two of the Kru climb through. All three have headphones on and Ricky is carrying ERANU and UVAVU.

“Phat-Boi... am I glad to see YOU?”

“And I'm happy to see you too, Pha...”

“Phuntime part two's due to start guys.” Interrupts DJ Telos “The hugs and hellos will have to wait 'til later.”


Back in the booth the Cyber-Lumic is backing the Doctor, Sara and Harry into a corner.

“Your time is up Doctor, the Age Of Steel is come, and The Cybermen will conquer all.”

“Really? For someone who's meant to be devoid of all weakening human emotion, that sounded a lot like bragging and – somewhat misplaced – pride to me! Ultimate Cyberman, eh? A little full of yourself aren't you?”

“It was a simple statement of fact, Doctor. Pride is not a factor, all emotion has been purged from this shell. I am pure power, pure logic. I am the ultimate life-form.”

“You're getting worse! Now you're not just the ultimate Cyberman, you're the ultimate LIFE-FORM?!? Look at all that shiny chrome? No more individuality? All as one? Pull the other one, mate - it's dimensionally transcendental!”

“You are not worthy of conversion, you will face maximum deletion!”

“Delete THIS you jug eared loon!”

Ricky has appeared behind the Cyber-Lumic wielding ERANU and UVAVU. He points them at each side of the creature's skull and the sonic waves do their work.

“Attaboy, Rick!” Shouts Billie.

The Cyber-Lumic is screaming, reeling in agony but is taking a long time to fully succumb... MUCH longer than it had taken with the Cybermen before him. He is defiant to the last and keeps struggling.

“I cannot be defeated... I am... the Ultimate... life... life... life.”

Finally he falls, sparks showering from both sides of his skull until his entire cranium explodes showering Ricky, Sara and Harry with 'hot fuzz.'

The Doctor pats Ricky on the back, but he does not seem very happy.

“Thanks Ricky for getting back to us in the nick of time, but...”

“What is it Doctor?”

“That took a lot of power, and we've got hundreds more Cybermen to defeat.”

“It's worse than you think, Doctor!” Harry is pointing to the door, where the Cyberdon and a whole platoon of Cybermen is approaching.

THIS ALL ENDS TONIGHT (to the tune of "Summer Nights" from Grease)

CYBERDON: We must convert you, make you like us!
DOCTOR: If you think that, then you've missed the bus!
CYBERDON: Cease your resistance, or we shall delete!
DOCTOR: You think I'm falling for that old deceit?
BOTH: Cold FM will broadcast again, but UH-UH! This all ends tonight!

CHORUS: A well-a-well-a-woo!
CYBERMEN: Tell us more, tell us more, should we instil them with fear?
DOCTOR'S PALS: Tell us more, tell us more, should we just hide in here?

CYBERDON: They're in the Broadcast Matrix, stop them now!
DOCTOR: "The Broadcast Matrix"? Sounds expensive and how ow ow!
CYBERDON: Restrain his helpers, threaten to destroy!
DOCTOR: If you kill them, I'll blow up your Game Boy!
BOTH: A stalemate, a truly terrible fate, but UH-OH! This all ends tonight!

CHORUS: A well-a-well-a-woo!
CYBERMEN: Tell us more, tell us more, so what now is the plan?
DOCTOR'S PALS: Tell us more, tell us more, will these kill a Cyberman? <The Doctor plugs ERANU and UVAVU into his jury-rigged piece of broadcast matrix jiggery-pokery. A huge sonic wave wipes out half the Cyber-army>

CYBERDON: We are dwindling, but still we stand tall!
DOCTOR: The power's all gone now, oh bugger, OH B*LLS!!
CYBERDON: You cannot escape and have no way out!
DOCTOR: No! Your evil will come to nowt!
BOTH: The final draw, you cannot ignore, and UH-UH! This all ends tonight!

CHORUS: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
DOCTOR'S PALS: Tell us more, tell us more, how are we gonna win?
CYBERMEN: Tell us more, tell us more, can we drown them in gin?

DOCTOR: I'm out of ideas, this new brain won't work!
CYBERDON: I shall delete you, you sad alien jerk!
DOCTOR: I need an idea, to give me some space...
CYBERDON: It's over for you and the whole human race!
BOTH: Things loom grim, now all hope is now dimmed, but UH-OH! This all ends tonight!

CYBERMEN: Time to die, time to die, stripped right down to the core!
SARA JANE: Oh my gosh, golly gee... I'm not in Kansas no more!

<Music goes all soft as Doctor and Cyberdon take centre-stage>

CYBERDON: You shall perish as our plan comes true.
DOCTOR: That's just something I simply won't do.
CYBERDON: It's all over you poor, sad doomed things!
DOCTOR: It's not over... 'til the Phat-lady sings!

<The Doctor hands Billie a microphone which is plugged into the main console>
DOCTOR and BILLIE: It's now done, the battle's been won, but... UH-UH... OH!
It all ends to... 

BILLIE: <a screech from the very depths of Tartarus> NIIIIII--HIIIIIIIIIGHT!

This single note destroys the Cyberdon, the remnants of the Cyber army and all of the Cybermen's machinery in one swoop. Electricity courses through the walls and control panels, the Doctor and his companions run from the room as it is engulfed in a fireball.

They run full tilt for the nearest exit where Cybermen are falling everywhere, there are Cyber bodies on the floor and people who have escaped conversion running out, as the doors to the rooms where they were awaiting their fates – now devoid of power – burst open, freeing them all.

The crowd of survivors, led by our band of heroes burst forth into the night as Cold FM explodes and burns into oblivion behind them.

The Doctor takes Billie by the hand, looks into her eyes and the music starts again.

TIME OF MY LIVES (To the tune of The Time Of My Life – from Dirty Dancing)

DOCTOR: Now I've had the times of my lives, no I've never had hair like this before, yes I swear - this body's new, and I owe it all to you...
BILLIE: Yes you've had the time of your lives, and I confess I've enjoyed it too...

DOCTOR: I was dizzy for so long, thought my regeneration had gone wrong - I couldn't see...
BILLIE: At first I wasn't sold because the other you was old, but you saved me-e-e!

BOTH: Though at first I was unsure if your intentions were that pure, I trust in you.
Since Babs and Ian fled, I looked at you with dread - would you go too?

DOCTOR: Just remember! You're the human I can't seem to get rid of.
BILLIE: Though my mom thinks it yucky... this could be love!

BOTH: Because this trip of a lifetime, is stranger than ever before
Yes I swear, it's so true - but I'll carry on with you.
'Cause I've had the time of my lives - yes the Cybermen will kill no more
Yes I swear - now they're through and I owe my life to you-ou.


BILLIE: Now with all my heart and soul, it's like I've always known: "He is the one."
DOCTOR: It's like both my hearts have skipped and my level-9 brain has flipped - where has it gone?
BILLIE: I could stay with you for good, yes I really think I should - I hope I could!

DOCTOR: Just remember! You're the human I can't seem to get rid of.
BILLIE: Though my mom thinks it yucky... this could be love!


BOTH: Because this trip of a lifetime, is stranger than ever before
Yes I swear, it's so true - but I'll carry on with you.
'Cause I've had the time of my lives - yes the Cybermen will kill no more
Yes I swear - now they're through and I owe my life to you-ou.


DOCTOR: Now I've had the times of my lives, no I've never had hair like this before, yes I swear - this body's new, and I owe it all to you...
BILLIE: Yes you've had the time of your lives, and I confess I've enjoyed it too...

BOTH: Because this trip of a lifetime, is stranger than ever before
Yes I swear, it's so true - but I'll carry on with you.
'Cause I've had the time of my lives - yes the Cybermen will kill no more
Yes I swear - now they're through and I owe my life to you-ou.

The conquering heroes are back where they landed the TARDIS. They say goodbye to Ricky and his Kru.

Billie and the Doctor are holding hands and almost at the doors to the TARDIS. The Doctor turns to Sara and Harry.

“So, what's going to happen now? We've completed our Mission Impossible, Billie and I are definitely going to continue on upon our space, time and star-trek... but, what about you two?”

“Well... It's been very odd” Says Harry “I mean – you're the Doctor who – confidentially - changes his appearance and has a job fighting monsters and saving planets!”

“I'm comfortable with that, in fact I've missed it. How are you with this whole thing Billie?” Asks Sara.

Now Billie looks at the Doctor, finally sure of what her next step in life will be...

TAKE US DOCTOR BACK THROUGH TIME (To the tune of Britney Spears' “(Hit Me) Baby One More Time”

BILLIE: Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know that you were still the Doctor?
Oh baby baby, you looked different - for all I knew you could be a chiropractor.
But you've shown me who you really are, see? I know now, baby, you're still the Doctor - my herooo!
HARRY: The Cybermen were gonna upgrade me, (CHORUS: Yes they were!) I was so scared, I screamed like a bansheeeeee! (CHORUS: A BANSHEE!)
SARA JEAN: What an adventure, it was sublime!
ALL THREE: We've made up our minds: take us, Doctor, back through time!

BILLIE: Oh baby baby, the reason Earth's saved is you - you killed off all the bad guys!
Oh baby baby, you're so damn sexy it's true - so British and so damn wise!
SARA JEAN: Trav'ling through space and time, that'd be crazy - but now, Doctor, I'd like to try that, what'd you say?
HARRY: The Cybermen were gonna upgrade me, (CHORUS: Yes they were!) I was so scared, I screamed like a bansheeeeee! (CHORUS: A BANSHEE!)
SARA JEAN: What an adventure, it was sublime!
ALL THREE: We've made up our minds: take us, Doctor, back through time!


HARRY: Oh baby baby, How could I let Sara Jean go?
Oh baby baby, I quite fancy her, didn't you knooooooooow?
ALL THREE: I must confess, we were in distress, 'til you saved the day, don't you know? We're coming with youuuuuu!
So get in your box, and do what we saaaaaaay:
Take us Doctor back through time!

The camera pulls away in true musical style, up and away from the cast, out of the screen of the Space-Time-Dramatiser and into a dark room, where a shadowy figure is watching.

“So, Doc-tor. Once again you have won your battle... but it will be I who wins the war!


Cue Doctor Who sting... CLOSING TITLES



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